Wedding Mayhem Spreads Across California

In case you hadn’t heard, the California Supreme Court last week overturned a ban on gay marriages, essentially making it legal for same-sex marriages in the state of California. The decision will become effective on June 16th, at which point the entire state will burst into Hellfire and be consumed by righteous fury for its sinful ways.

Naturally, celebrities were not to be left out from the hullaballo.

On last Friday’s episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”, Ellen announced her plans to marry actress Portia de Rossi, her girlfriend of 4 years.

On the same day, George Takei of classic “Star Trek” fame announced on his website plans to marry his partner and business manager, Brad Altman, who have been together for over 21 years.

Expect more to follow. I’m sure there are a few already that I missed.

Naturally, this is extraordinarily offensive that human beings would be offered equal rights to their fellow American citizens. I’ll tell you right now, I’m going to lose a lot of sleep over this. First the Jewish Agenda, and now the Gay Agenda. What next? The Bestiality Agenda? That’s the natural progression, right?

May 22nd UPDATE: Ellen DeGeneres had Senator John McCain on as a guest for her show today, where she briefly challenged him on his opposition to gay marriage. She also addressed the “second-class citizen” argument. McCain then agreed to walk Ellen down the aisle for her wedding. Sorta. Watch the clip.

If Spider-Man is no longer married…

Late last year Marvel Comics released a storyline in their flagship Amazing Spider-Man comic book series that clumsily erased Peter Parker’s 1987 marriage to Mary Jane Watson. All sorts of geek outrage ensued at the time. I guess it sort of still rages. The whole thing was rather silly but hey, them’s comics. But sometimes you don’t really care enough until it effects you personally.

Last week, while lying in bed wishing I was dead from a pretty tough cold, I noticed two red boxes on top of our bedroom bookcase. I had almost forgotten about them. And then it all came falling into place in typical comic book melodrama.

The two red boxes each held one doll (or “action figure” if you prefer) of Spider-Man and Mary Jane from their comic book wedding originally depicted in The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21. The dolls were gifts. The occasion for the gifts? My wedding.

And now… looking at the dolls… and knowing that their wedding never really happened… it feels like my own wedding didn’t happen. November 10, 2006 was the happiest day of my life. But now… it just feels like an empty lie.

And that’s why, as of now, I’m single again. That’s right, if Spider-Man is no longer married, then neither am I.

I know this is probably an awkward way for everyone, including my wife – er, my girlfriend – to find out, but I thought it was the best way to get the word out, especially considering the late notice. Technically, this will be retroactively in effect since December 28, 2007, when the offending issue was originally released.

I hope all of the people at Marvel Comics will think long and hard about the next relationship they destroy.

I’d like to thank my flu for helping me see the light before it was too late.